Six Steps of Inner Bonding

Once you have taken loving action, you will need to evaluate whether the action is working for you. First ask yourself what you are feeling. Do you feel happier, less alone, more connected with Self, others, and God? Is your core shame - the belief that you are intrinsically bad, flawed, or unworthy - diminishing? Do you feel freer and less afraid? Are you less interested in pursuing your substance or process addictions? Do you have a greater sense of personal power and self-esteem? Are you feeling more playful, more creative? Are you laughing more? Are you more compassionate? More intuitive? More honest?

 

If the answers to your self-evaluation show you that healing is

not occurring, go back to Step Four and ask your spiritual guidance to help you discover another loving action. For example, perhaps your Inner Child needs even more time with you, more time in prayer, or needs you to get help with the process. Perhaps he or she needs to be held by someone who can bring through unconditional love to him or her and help heal the wound of not having been held this way as a child. Or, your Inner Child may need you to spend more time having fun with others or may need more time alone to pursue passions or hobbies.

 

Here are some questions that you, as a loving Adult, can ask your Inner Child. Be sure to listen carefully to the answers.

 

• Are you feeling loved by me?
  
• Do you feel a sense of relief?

• Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up?

• Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger?

• Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take advantage of you?

• Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid?

• Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to define you?

• Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others' disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection?

 

When you evaluate your actions, you cannot just look at how you feel

in the moment. Acting out addictively, such as overeating or taking out your anger on someone, generally feels good in the moment - that's how it got to be an addiction. Often, when you take a loving action, such as cutting out sugar or chocolate or caffeine, stopping drinking, taking drugs, or smoking, not acting out sexually, no longer taking responsibility for another's feelings, or no longer dumping your anger on others, you feel awful in the moment. Your wounded self feels frightened at having a crutch taken away, or feels deprived of something that gives him or her momentary pleasure, or feels terrified of rejection and aloneness. Your addictions worked to make you feel better for the moment, so when you stop them, you will likely go through a period of feeling much worse. You may go through both physical and emotional withdrawal. Often, what works for you in the short term undermines you in the long term, while what works in the long term may not feel good in the short term.

 

Even though loving action may not always feel good in the moment, if it is truly in your highest good, it will feel right.You will experience a sense of inner rightness when you act in a way that is in harmony with your soul. There is a sense of lightness, freedom and power that comes from taking good care of yourself, even when it feels difficult, frightening or painful at first.

 

When you check in with your Inner Child to evaluate your actions, you must be sure you are talking to your core Self and not your wounded self. Your wounded self will often tell you that you are making a mistake when you give up a cherished addiction. Your wounded self has many rationalizations for wanting to keep the addictions, especially as you start to feel the emotional or physical withdrawal symptoms. You might hear something like this:

 

• Life is too short to give up these pleasures. What's the point? Why not just enjoy life while I can? So what if I cut a few years off my life? It's worth it.

• Oh, this is not working. Maybe this isn't the right day to start eating differently. I really wantthat doughnut. I'll start eating well tomorrow. One more day of eating junk won't hurt me.

• Life just isn't worth living without cigarettes. I love smoking so much. Not everybody who smokes gets lung cancer, so why go through this hell? Anyway, the stress of not smoking is worse for me than the cigarettes.

• The anxiety and guilt I feel when I don't give in to my husband is too hard, and he hates it. I'll probably end up alone if I keep this up. 

If you fall for these rationalizations and give in to the wounded self, you will be giving your Inner Child a pacifier rather than the real thing. You will force him or her to be satisfied with the illusion of nurturing rather than the true sense of joy and well-being that comes from the loving Adult bringing through Divine love in the form of loving action.

 

Here's the bottom line: If you look inside to evaluate your loving action, and you find that you are still feeling genuinely, not momentarily, depressed, frightened, hurt, angry or powerless, then you need to go back to dialoguing with your spiritual guidance (Step Four) to see what else you need to do regarding a particular situation. This process may go on for days, weeks or sometimes even months (with very difficult issues) before you discover the loving action that really works for you regarding a particular situation. Sometimes you may need to reach out for help with this.

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